Falling in Love

My family likes to remind me often that I’m single. I’m used to it by now and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. There is nothing wrong with being single, especially when you’re waiting for that special someone to meet your standards.

            I’m a complicated female, and like I often say, I’m not your typical girl. My favorite accessory is my old baseball cap, but if I have a reason to, I don’t mind putting makeup on and doing my hair every now and then. 

Even my uncle pointed out a few weeks ago when I was wearing a dress that I look more comfortable in jeans and boots. He said I even look prettier in barn clothes because it’s the natural me.

But something I share with other girls is the fairytale dream of falling in love and living a happily ever after. I’m still looking for the right man to open my heart to and fall in love with. I’m optimistically saying I know he’s out there too.

If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that true love is rare and hard to come by.

I love when guys ask me a thousand meaningless questions just because they want to get to know me.

I’ll tell you that my favorite color is black (the shade that shines rainbow), and I despise coffee in all forms (even iced with lots of cream and sugar). I know you can pick my laugh out in a crowd but I love to laugh. If you can always have me smiling, that’s when I’m happiest.

Sometimes I just want to be held, but other times I don’t want to cuddle because I want my space. When you fall in love with me, you’ll figure out the difference. Kiss me in public, that’s okay, but be warned, I can’t stand PDA. I’m not a trophy girlfriend. I don’t play that game. I’m not yours to make exes or your friends jealous, I’m going to be yours because I care for you and if you love me you’ll feel the same.

I’m terrified to fall in love. Show me why being afraid is such a mistake. Don’t hurt me. If you love me you won’t. Love isn’t about getting even or getting revenge. It isn’t about always owing your partner something; it’s about making that person your world and treating them like they’re a priority in your life.

Everyone has flaws. If a person truly loves you though, they’ll see past those flaws. I hope a guy will fall in love with my sarcastic sense of humor, my bruised and scarred legs, my terrible eyesight, and my unpredictable moods.

Maybe my heart is holding out for love because I’m truly waiting to find the right man worth giving it to – the one I want to wake up next to and fall asleep dreaming about.

I also am a girl in the sense that I am a bit of a romantic. I like goodnight and good morning texts or out of the blue calls to know that I’m on your mind. Prove to me I’m important to you. Don’t ask me how you should prove it because that’s half the challenge in figuring it out on your own. I want to know I’m cared for and mean something to you and I’m not wasting my time if you’re not serious. I’m not looking for someone perfect, but I’m looking for someone who will have serious conversations with me and be silly two minutes later. 

What I have to wonder though is how long I have to wait? Because I’m not the type of girl to sit around waiting forever. I get scared waiting because too many times before, waiting meant that you had a better option and I was going to be kept at bay. If you love me, you won’t give another man a chance to make me happy because you’ll be fighting for me.

Every girl deserves a guy who can make her forget her heart was ever broken. I know I can’t promise a man a perfect relationship, because I’d be lying and I hate to break my promises. But I do promise that as long as he gives it his all, so will I.

A Love Lived and Lost

            I’ve told boys I loved them. Every girl does that when she’s young and she thinks she knows what love is. Looking back though I know I was only saying those words because it seemed like the right thing to say. As a good girlfriend, it’s what was expected of me.

            I know though, I was not in love. I have only ever been in love once. And honestly, to this day, I don’t know if this boy knows exactly how I feel about him. He was never my boyfriend, but sometimes it’s not the person you are dating you fall in love with.

            Love is the feeling you get when you see that person and you get the biggest smile on your face that won’t go away. When you know he is on the other side of the room and you keep looking over out of the corner of your eye. It’s when your heart skips a beat as he leans in for a hug. It’s what happens when you’re texting him and don’t want the conversation to end so you find anything in the world to talk about. It’s when you can act like your complete self and not feel ashamed.

            There is never a dull moment between us. We’re constantly laughing, joking, or smiling, and occasionally we have some deep heart to hearts. He’s seen me at my absolute very best and he’s held me as I sobbed into his chest too. There are too many memories between us to count and I really don’t know what I’d do without him.

            I can talk to him about anything under the sun and I trust him to listen and keep my secrets. He tells me everything too. When he would talk to me about his girlfriend (now ex) I used to listen patiently and try to give the best advice possible. I was happy that I was the person he came to for life and relationship advice. We would do anything for each other, but I don’t think he knows the extent to which I’d go for him.

            Now is the one time I wish I wasn’t such a tomboy and wasn’t his go to friend for girl advice because he will never see me as anything more than that. I’m the one who use to talk to him about football all the time or the person he would watch stupid movies with. That’s all I am to him, just one of the guys.

            So many times when we’re together we’ve heard the phrases, “you two are so cute together” or “why don’t you just date already?”. And every time my inner being is screaming out in agreement but all I can do is laugh and say we’re too good of friends for that.

            I overthink everything when it comes to him. And everything just seems to be this big giant “what if?” What if I took the chance and told him? What if he felt the same way? What if we did date? What if we did have a serious relationship? What if there actually is a future together for us?

I keep trying to date other guys but the problem is I look for him in every single guy I talk to. And unfortunately I can’t find anyone who comes close to the man he is. No one has all the qualities he does and when I come to terms with this I move on.

            I doubt he’s reading this because it’s not like him to, but if he is and knows it’s him I hope he now realizes just how much he means to me. I don’t have the guts to outright say it to his face (but I can write it on social media…).

It’s a lot easier in the movies whenever the girl admits to her best friend she loves him. If it’s a chick flick it’s going to have a happily ever after. Life doesn’t go that way though and I’m afraid to take that risk right now. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell him. But until then I’ll continue to admire from afar and dream of something that may one day happen.

From a Hicktown Princess Herself

I was walking around campus yesterday and felt like I was being judged. Lucky for me, I’m not the type of girl to really care. I wondered what could possibly be drawing stares and I finally figured it must be my outfit. A Browning hoodie and Carhartt aren’t exactly considered “fashionable” here in Syracuse, New York.

I’ve learned that I’m not your typical girl since coming to school in a city. I’m not afraid to break a nail. Actually no, scratch that. I’m not afraid to get down and dirty in general. Walking across the quad in my Merrell’s and Carhartt, I see every other girl in a Northface jacket and Uggs. I get distracted and my jaw sometimes drops when a nice truck drives by (the bigger and louder the better), while other girls are longing after sleek, shiny sports cars. I wore my cowboy boots to prom and will be wearing them to my wedding too. I don’t see the allure of buying a $5000 purse. Yes, $5000 for a bag that’s probably going to sit on the ground when you go out to dinner and going to get in the way of foot room anyway. I’d rather put a nice down payment on a new Harris saddle.

I love the way I am and am so proud of my roots. I wouldn’t change growing up in a small town for anything, and I hope to raise my kids in the same town I grew up in or one very similar someday. I truly am from that stereotypical small town that everyone claims to hate but no one seems to want to leave.

What I love about being from a small town is that it’s a simple lifestyle. It’s a place you don’t have to worry about locking your doors because you know everyone anyway. Things aren’t sugarcoated and people are modest. You can leave the keys in the ignition and the worst that’s going to happen is your friends move your car from one end of the parking lot to the other. You know everyone by name and who they’re related to and their occupation, perhaps even their address. The worst traffic is being held up by an Amish buggy trying to go to the next town down the road. It’s quiet, and when you look up at the sky at night you can see the stars.

There is no better therapy than a dirt road and some music. People from the country know how to have a good time and make something out of nothing. They aren’t demanding and always looking for more like city people. We’re perfectly content sitting around a fire, chilling with friends and enjoying ourselves instead of going out to fancy places all the time.

            It’s not all rainbows and butterflies though. There is still gossip; but that’s an inescapable part of life. And sometimes you seem to be smothered by it that much more because people run out of things to talk about.

Another major thing that bothers me is that just because I’m from a small town and have small town morals, people expect me to be stupid. It’s like those who aren’t from cities with high-class schools are considered less intelligent. I think that’s so far from the truth. People can be intelligent in different ways. Just because I don’t know what the latest trend is doesn’t mean I’m not going to survive in life. I’m more proud of the fact that I know how to change a tire and don’t have to be a damsel in distress if I ever get a flat.

            So to all of you city slickers, sit back, breathe, and enjoy life. Realize how beautiful simplicity can be.

            Now on to my next issue. Talking with a friend the other day she was being criticized for falling in love with archery. She is one of the most down to earth girls I know and she didn’t start archery hunting for a boy, she did it for her. So many girls where I’m from think they need to pretend to be something they’re not just to get a boy to like them. This “fake” country girl attitude is something that will pass eventually, give it time and girls will get sick of it and ditch their redneck attitude to jump on the next bandwagon.

            Girls who don’t even know how to bait a hook will grow out of their “someone take me fishing” stage and if you want to tell yourself Florida Georgia Line and your Hollister plaid shirt make you a redneck, so be it. I’ll watch you make a fool of yourself while I listen to George Strait with my Justin Morgan boots on.

            Being country isn’t a style; it’s truly a way of life. It’s something you’re born with and that’s in your blood. It’s not about where you’re from or how much camo you wear; it’s what’s in the heart. It’s about community, kindness, respect, and being polite to others.

            As Brantley Gilbert says, “Country must be country wide; amen.”

10 Ways for Men to Win Bonus Points

            My entire life I’ve always been labeled “one of the guys” because I’m such a tomboy and just have a better relationship with men since there isn’t any drama or fakeness. Many times my guy friends come to me for female advice because I’m the best of both worlds to them.

            I decided to comprise a list of 10 simple, random things that will help any man win major bonus points with a girl, whether that be his girlfriend, wife, or even just someone he’s crushing on. They work, trust me.

10. Randomly slip your hand into her back pocket.

When you’re walking along and just want to be cute, slide your hand into her back pocket. It’s even better when you’re kissing her and do it to pull her a bit closer.

9. Kiss her on the forehead.

Forehead kisses are sweet and she’ll feel special. It’s an easy way for you to show her you care because they are simple kisses that will give her a sense of safety and security. It lets her know you like her and you’re not into it just for sex. It shows just a bit of affection without going over the top like a full out PDA make out. (Even more bonus points if the forehead kiss comes after a huge bear hug!)

8. Give her your hoodie.

As much as she’s going to tease you and try to steal it, every girl knows you’re not actually going to part with your favorite baseball hat. She’s going to want to wear that too, but give her your hoodie so she can sleep in it. It smells like you and when you’re not there to cuddle and fall asleep next to her it’s the next best thing.

7. Surprise her with flowers for no occasion.

Don’t wait until she’s mad at you and you’re trying to make up for something. Out of the blue either show up on her doorstep with a bouquet or have one sent to her. Flowers are expensive, but they don’t have to be from the store. You can pick them yourself, no shame in that! Even a single rose is just as romantic, if not more romantic than a dozen if a sweet note accompanies it.

6. Run your fingers through her hair.

She will absolutely love if you play with her hair. Don’t forget to tuck it behind her ears when you go to kiss her too!

5. Kiss her in mid-sentence.

Don’t do it all the time because she will get mad you keep interrupting her, but every now and then just look her in the eyes while she’s talking and make her pause with a kiss. This also works if you’re fighting and you’re ready to surrender. It’s a way of saying you’re sorry and just want forgiven. Also do not do this if she’s trying to tell you something serious or important. Wait for the perfect moment.

4. Remember the little things she says even if they’re pointless.

Prove to her you listen to everything she says. Bring up a point she made in conversation weeks ago. She’ll be taken back that you paid attention to such a trivial detail about her life. Remembering the little things shows you’re genuinely interested in her.

3. Remind her that you care.

If you care about her you want what’s best for her and for her to be happy. Sometimes that means giving up time spent with her so she can do other things she loves or spend time with someone she hasn’t seen in awhile. She’ll know you care if you encourage her to follow her dreams and not stand in the way of that. Always support her even if you don’t necessarily agree with the situation. Remember that it’s still her life and it’s ultimately her decision. Make sure she knows she’s first in your life. She doesn’t want to take a backseat to your hobby or job all the time so be sure to make her your top priority and keep her as happy as possible. (Do so without being a pushover though)

2. Appreciate the little things she does.

She probably really, really didn’t want to come over just for you to work on your truck all day because it was the only day you had to do it. If she didn’t complain (and even if she did a little) show her that it meant a lot to you. When she takes the time to make you dinner, (even if it’s terrible) find the good in it. If she’s going out of her to do special things for you make sure you return the favor.

1. Spoil her with love, not gifts.

Treat her like a queen. You don’t need to buy her everything. She’d much rather be spoiled with love and genuine compassion. Sometimes that can be as simple as holding her hand and making sure she knows how much she means to you. Tell her everyday how much you love and care about her, but don’t say it just to fill a void in the conversation. Those three words are so powerful yet so overused. They don’t hold true meaning unless expressed correctly. Maybe write her a letter and leave it for her to wake up to about how much you love her. Don’t be afraid to let her see the sweet side of you.

            These work I promise. Don’t use them all at once all of a sudden though or your girl will know something is wrong or has changed. Life is about waiting for a good moment and turning it into a perfect one.

Every girl wants to live a fairytale. Be her knight in shining armor. I say knight rather than prince because it’s the knight who actually proves to the princess he cares while the prince sits at his castle and waits. You’re never going to find your princess if you stand on the sidelines letting someone else win her over.

Best of luck and may your fairytale have a happily ever after.

A Letter To My Younger Self

To my younger self:

Buckle up; it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

            It will be one of the most relieving feelings when you stop trying to fit in and accept who you are. You’re a leader, not a follower. It doesn’t matter if you don’t wear designer clothes and that you prefer your cowboy boots to heels. It’s okay you’re a tomboy, don’t stress about it and try to act girly. You’re not a girly-girl so quit pretending to be one. Caking on makeup is a waste of time and a pain in the ass, don’t bother with it. Don’t be self-conscious that your hair is curly while every other girl is straightening her locks every day. Your curls are beautiful and your hair is healthy, you don’t need the fried ends.

Being labeled “one of the guys” doesn’t make you a slut; don’t let anyone tell you differently. You’re going to have more guy friends than girls going through high school, but it makes for less drama. Don’t get caught up in the drama and bullshit of life. Gossiping gets you nowhere and starting rumors only leads to trouble, stay away from that. Realize the people you call your friends right now aren’t always going to be the same ones who are they for you forever. Find your true friends and hold on to them. They will be there for you through everything.

            Embrace your flaws and your inner beauty. You’re never going to have a “thigh gap”. The many miles that you’ve ran and will continue to run and all the years of horseback riding will prevent that, as does your Italian heritage. The plus about not having a thigh gap though is that when food drops on your lap you’ll be sure to catch it! Being skinny isn’t everything. It isn’t worth the pain of starving yourself and exercising for hours and hours a day. You’re beautiful the way you are. You’re never going to be a size 0, but you can be healthy which is much more important.

Your family is going to be there for you for everything. Even when you feel unloved, they will support you and be your rock. Don’t push them away. You may not believe it, but they care. Appreciate all they do for you too. They’ve made, and will continue to make so many sacrifices to ensure your happiness, be sure to thank them every now and then.

Don’t be so quick to open up. Be hesitant about who you place your trust in. Not everyone deserves that privilege so make sure a person is worth spilling your secrets to before you do.

Remember you are a special girl and you deserve to be treated that way. DO NOT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS! A boy who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve your time. And do not actually believe you can change a guy. You will find a man eventually. You don’t need to be looking for one now. Enjoy and embrace the single life because that’s where the best memories will come from. Don’t bother being tied down because you’re going to miss out on a lot of fun because of it. More importantly though, never put someone’s happiness before your own. Be selfish in that way, but don’t be self-centered. Learn the balance.

Try not to offend people with your honesty and don’t be critical. There is a fine line between brutal honesty and hurting someone’s feelings. Flirt with it, but try not to cross it.

Don’t let people tell you your ideas are stupid. Sometimes they’re just going to be jealous of your dreams and ambitions, but don’t let them discourage you. Never doubt yourself. Only you know your true potential, share that with the world. When people scoff at your dreams, prove them wrong.

You’re never going to please everyone so don’t even try to. Also remember that perfectionism is overrated. As long as you are happy and doing what you love, forget everyone else.

Be proud of where you come from. Brockway may seem like the most boring place to live now, but you’ll miss that little town when you leave. Also be thankful for the lessons you’ve learned there and the people you’ve been raised with. They are truly one of a kind and you won’t find anybody like them outside of that town. They are some of the kindest people you will ever meet. Someday you’ll realize just how fortunate you were to be raised there and you’ll want to raise your family there too.

Take risks or else you won’t have any memories to look back on. Life is short. Don’t be afraid to do crazy things. It’s okay to fail and it’s okay to look foolish every now and then. Be able to laugh at yourself though and try again.

It’s okay to have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. You probably won’t know for many more years so don’t let that scare you. Try new things and if something interests you become involved.

Always say I love you. Each and every single day tell the people you care that you love them. Never go to bed mad, angry, or upset because you’re not guaranteed the next day. Be quick to forgive. That doesn’t mean you have to trust again, but try not to hold grudges. Never go a day without telling the people you care about that you love them though. They deserve to know.

You’ll figure this all out in due time.  Some things you’ll wish you would’ve known sooner, but if you’ve experienced it, you’ve learned a lesson.

Follow your dreams, believe in yourself, and realize you can do anything you set your mind to. You’ll make it, I promise. Just relax, breathe, and enjoy the ride.

Love,

Your future self