God Bless the Broken Road

  

          I’m an advocate of the philosophy that every person comes into your life for a reason and those who have walked out of your life have also done so for a reason. Many of those reasons are lessons, whether big or small, that have taught you something and shaped you into who you are.

            The crazy thing about exes is that your mind automatically thinks about a boyfriend or girlfriend. It could be a best friend though. I know what it’s like to have ex-best friends and that hurts just as much as a relationship breakup. An ex is a person you use to confide in and be able to share anything with. There were memories and special moments you shared together. Sometimes it hurts and there is still a tug on your heart when an ex is brought up. But you never realize until later on in life just how much exes have changed you and shaped you into who you are. Despite wanting things to work out, some things just aren’t meant to be. Some of those things may be the bad. It may take you a long time to learn to trust someone new because you’ve been lied to so many times before. Maybe you are weary of putting your heart on the line because it’s been broken too many times before. You may have walked away feeling stronger though because you know you are a better person than what that relationship made you out to be.

Failed relationships don’t always have to be looked at in a negative light, in my opinion, most times it’s for the best. There is a reason a person is your ex or someone you don’t talk to anymore. There was a flaw in communication or a mistake made and you have to reevaluate what that mistake was so you don’t continue to make it or are no longer attracted to it.

Immediately upon breaking up with someone you’re not thinking, “yes! I learned so much and am walking away from this relationship with more knowledge.” Let’s be realistic. Guys are acting tough while drowning their sorrows in beer and girls are eating ice cream and watching romantic chick flicks.

After the sadness is gone though and when the realism sits in that you no longer have that certain person to talk to all the time, you look to fill that void, and along the way you figure out why you’re actually better off.

I use to lay awake at night wondering what I had done wrong or why I couldn’t find that guy who was going to treat me right. I came to realize that a breakup doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. It’s just that you realized something you didn’t want or wasn’t successful and you need to move on. I don’t have that problem anymore. I may only be 20, but I’ve experienced my fair share of failed relationships and heartbreak. I’ve learned enough to probably write a book, but I’ll condense it into a blog instead. But the following are some of the most important lessons I’ve come away with and what have led me to where I am today.

(I’m sorry I say him throughout the duration of this post, but I feel like it’s girls more than boys who need the confidence boost. This advice goes for anyone and everyone though!)

Communication is key.

No one on this planet is a mind reader. If you’re upset, explain why you’re upset rather than acting mad and keeping your partner guessing. It isn’t fair to either of you to assume that the other one always knows what’s going on in your life or how you feel about things. Fill them in so they’re not in the dark.

I’m so guilty of this, and I fully admit it. When I’m in a bad mood or mad about something, instead of being blunt and saying what’s bothering me, I leave people guessing, as if to teach them a lesson. That just makes it more miserable for everyone.

Trust your gut, but also listen to those who love you.

If your best friends and family are leery of the person you’re dating, they see something you are blinded to and refuse to see. Trust them. They love you so much and are only looking out for what’s best for you.

I dated a guy once my parents didn’t approve of and my friends didn’t like. I didn’t care though because I thought I saw this great person they couldn’t see. It turns out I couldn’t see what a jackass this kid was and what everyone had been telling me all along. If I would’ve listened to the people who love me continually tell me that I was going to get hurt because he wasn’t a good guy, well then I wouldn’t have gotten hurt and lost every ounce of self-confidence I had. Even though that was years ago, I still have issues from that relationship that resurface because he made me that insecure about myself.

Disagreements are healthy.

Now I’m not saying go fight about the slightest thing, but you don’t have to have the same opinion on everything. You have to accept and respect the other’s opinion though.

Don’t change for anyone.

Keep your own morals and values and don’t change just for him. Stay true to yourself; don’t allow him to feel superior for any reason. A little difference in a relationship is healthy.

I love my two horses as much as I love my family, they are family to me (yeah, I’m that crazy horse girl). My mare has some health problems though, but nonetheless she was my first horse and I will never sell her. I had a boy hell-bent once that he wanted to shoot her because "she was a lost cause and a waste of time and money". He said it would be better for everyone since I wouldn’t have to go to the barn to see her anymore since she was worthless. Sorry sweetheart, that is a major reason you’re an ex.

Happiness starts with you.

Another person isn’t the only one who can make you happy. You are the ultimate reason for your own happiness. If you constantly rely on someone else to make you happy, take a step back and reevaluate. Do things for you that make you happy, not because you know it will make others happy. It’s your decisions that affect your life.

You don’t deserve negativity.

If he puts you down or you’re the butt of his jokes, get out immediately. You don’t need that sort of negativity in your life and you don’t deserve it because he’s insecure and needs to make himself look good. Respect and appreciation are the pillars of a healthy relationship. Being told you’re not pretty enough or he could “get any other girl but he’s dating you” isn’t a compliment. It’s robbing you of true joy and making you feel insecure. Don’t feel privileged to be dating him. Let him know instead it an honor to be dating you and then dump his ass. 

A relationship isn’t based on “getting even.”

You shouldn’t feel like you have to do something just to make things even in a relationship. A healthy relationship is based on equality.

It’s your life.

At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with the decisions you make. You get to choose whether or not you want to be in that relationship, and if you don’t want to be, then you don’t have to be. No one is forcing you to, and if they are, that is that much more of a reason to walk away.

As strange as it may sound, I’m thankful for my exes. If it weren’t for failed relationships and learning what I wanted in a guy and how I wanted to be treated, I never would’ve ended up with such a great guy. 

Colt makes me happy day in and day out. Sometimes it’s the little things like showing up with a movie and frozen hot chocolate to make my bad day better. And sometimes it’s the big things like letting me borrow his truck whenever I need it or dropping what he’s doing to help me out. If a person truly loves you, they will do things that they might not like just to spend time with you and make you happy. A person who loves you wants to keep you as happy as possible. He once spent his Friday night cleaning the silver on my saddles for hours. He could’ve been doing a million other things, but he did that for me. I spent my final days of winter break completely cleaning his apartment so his new roommate could move in. Both jobs sucked immensely, but we always want to help each other out and make life a little more bearable for one another.

I realized that he is the reason things never worked out with other guys, and it’s because they weren’t him. No one has ever treated me so kindly and looked out for me as much as he does.

When I told him I was writing this, he said to make him sound good. We may drive each other crazy every now and then, but he’s the perfect boyfriend and I could never ask for a better man in my life. He treats me like a princess (because I like to think I am), respects my opinions and the decisions I make in life, and always encourages me to be myself and not change because he loves who I am already. I treat him the same way in return because that’s what a real relationship is all about.

The best thing about the past is that it shows you what not to bring into your future. A breakup is an opportunity, not a tragedy. Take what you learned and use it to meet someone new. Cry your tears, drink your beers, and eat lots of ice cream. But once the time of loathing in self-pity has passed, get back out there and continue to enjoy life. You don’t need someone else to make your feel complete, but life is just a little sweeter when you have a person who loves you by your side.

A Love Lived and Lost

            I’ve told boys I loved them. Every girl does that when she’s young and she thinks she knows what love is. Looking back though I know I was only saying those words because it seemed like the right thing to say. As a good girlfriend, it’s what was expected of me.

            I know though, I was not in love. I have only ever been in love once. And honestly, to this day, I don’t know if this boy knows exactly how I feel about him. He was never my boyfriend, but sometimes it’s not the person you are dating you fall in love with.

            Love is the feeling you get when you see that person and you get the biggest smile on your face that won’t go away. When you know he is on the other side of the room and you keep looking over out of the corner of your eye. It’s when your heart skips a beat as he leans in for a hug. It’s what happens when you’re texting him and don’t want the conversation to end so you find anything in the world to talk about. It’s when you can act like your complete self and not feel ashamed.

            There is never a dull moment between us. We’re constantly laughing, joking, or smiling, and occasionally we have some deep heart to hearts. He’s seen me at my absolute very best and he’s held me as I sobbed into his chest too. There are too many memories between us to count and I really don’t know what I’d do without him.

            I can talk to him about anything under the sun and I trust him to listen and keep my secrets. He tells me everything too. When he would talk to me about his girlfriend (now ex) I used to listen patiently and try to give the best advice possible. I was happy that I was the person he came to for life and relationship advice. We would do anything for each other, but I don’t think he knows the extent to which I’d go for him.

            Now is the one time I wish I wasn’t such a tomboy and wasn’t his go to friend for girl advice because he will never see me as anything more than that. I’m the one who use to talk to him about football all the time or the person he would watch stupid movies with. That’s all I am to him, just one of the guys.

            So many times when we’re together we’ve heard the phrases, “you two are so cute together” or “why don’t you just date already?”. And every time my inner being is screaming out in agreement but all I can do is laugh and say we’re too good of friends for that.

            I overthink everything when it comes to him. And everything just seems to be this big giant “what if?” What if I took the chance and told him? What if he felt the same way? What if we did date? What if we did have a serious relationship? What if there actually is a future together for us?

I keep trying to date other guys but the problem is I look for him in every single guy I talk to. And unfortunately I can’t find anyone who comes close to the man he is. No one has all the qualities he does and when I come to terms with this I move on.

            I doubt he’s reading this because it’s not like him to, but if he is and knows it’s him I hope he now realizes just how much he means to me. I don’t have the guts to outright say it to his face (but I can write it on social media…).

It’s a lot easier in the movies whenever the girl admits to her best friend she loves him. If it’s a chick flick it’s going to have a happily ever after. Life doesn’t go that way though and I’m afraid to take that risk right now. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell him. But until then I’ll continue to admire from afar and dream of something that may one day happen.

A "Secret" Every Girl Should Know

            It took a lot of failed relationships to learn that “cowgirl secret.” Oceans worth of tears, countless sleepless nights, and hours spent with gallons of ice cream and my best friend.

            Ever since I was a little girl my dad always told me to never settle for anything less than the best. I always assumed he was referring to grades or my performance in sports, and most of the time he probably was, but now I know he was also referring to men.

            Many girls today are content with a man who treats them terribly just so they can say they have a boyfriend. Another common problem is that after a few months a girl feels stuck in a relationship because her boyfriend becomes so dependent on her and she feels no way out. Girls in these sorts of relationships stay with the guy not out of love, but out of persuasion, manipulation, and often force.

            No one should ever feel “obligated” to stay in a relationship. Couple hood is a two way street and if one side is more dominant than the other there is something wrong.

            The rule listed in the picture is one that every girl should follow. It’s so sad to see a woman who has no respect for herself and allows a man to treat her any way he pleases.

            I’ve blogged about it before, but I think I need to mention it again – set a standard and don’t lower it. If a guy doesn’t meet that standard then he isn’t worth your time. He should treat you respectfully all the time.

            For a man to never look at you less than you are, you can’t give yourself a bad image. It amazes me the outfits I see girls wear to go to parties at college. They seriously are begging for negative attention and it’s pathetic and a sad reflection of our generation. Have some self-respect and realize that if a guy is only paying attention to you because you’re showing more skin than everyone else, he isn’t worth your time.

            You don’t need to be the butt of his jokes, you’re not stupid, you aren’t worthless, and you can do whatever you set your mind to. Never let a man, or anyone for that matter, convince you of those.

            A man doesn’t define who you are, that’s up to you. You don’t need to rely on him. Granted, it’s nice to have a faithful friend such as a boyfriend to fall back on, but don’t put all your faith and love into him because you never know the day you wake up and he will no longer be there. Be strong for yourself and love who you are. If you love who you are you’re going to find a good guy who loves you for you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Life is about searching for the right guy and in the process going through a few not so good ones. You’ll find the right one eventually, just be patient and give it time. He’s out there and looking for you too but you have to be willing to search for him.

            Jerks are never worth the time, trouble, or tears. Don’t let them have the satisfaction of knowing they had that much power and control of your life. Head high, deep breath, wipe the tears, and smile. Let him know what he had and what he lost and what he’s missing. You’re too important and special to not be treated like a princess. Find the man who is worth the wait.

Mr. Perfect, Part 2

One of my Facebook friends posted this the other day and I thought it was worth sharing. Just a little bit to add on to my previous post about how Mr. Perfect should act.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-bailey/2013/12/10-old-fashioned-dating-habits-we-should-make-cool-again/

A Letter To My Younger Self

To my younger self:

Buckle up; it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

            It will be one of the most relieving feelings when you stop trying to fit in and accept who you are. You’re a leader, not a follower. It doesn’t matter if you don’t wear designer clothes and that you prefer your cowboy boots to heels. It’s okay you’re a tomboy, don’t stress about it and try to act girly. You’re not a girly-girl so quit pretending to be one. Caking on makeup is a waste of time and a pain in the ass, don’t bother with it. Don’t be self-conscious that your hair is curly while every other girl is straightening her locks every day. Your curls are beautiful and your hair is healthy, you don’t need the fried ends.

Being labeled “one of the guys” doesn’t make you a slut; don’t let anyone tell you differently. You’re going to have more guy friends than girls going through high school, but it makes for less drama. Don’t get caught up in the drama and bullshit of life. Gossiping gets you nowhere and starting rumors only leads to trouble, stay away from that. Realize the people you call your friends right now aren’t always going to be the same ones who are they for you forever. Find your true friends and hold on to them. They will be there for you through everything.

            Embrace your flaws and your inner beauty. You’re never going to have a “thigh gap”. The many miles that you’ve ran and will continue to run and all the years of horseback riding will prevent that, as does your Italian heritage. The plus about not having a thigh gap though is that when food drops on your lap you’ll be sure to catch it! Being skinny isn’t everything. It isn’t worth the pain of starving yourself and exercising for hours and hours a day. You’re beautiful the way you are. You’re never going to be a size 0, but you can be healthy which is much more important.

Your family is going to be there for you for everything. Even when you feel unloved, they will support you and be your rock. Don’t push them away. You may not believe it, but they care. Appreciate all they do for you too. They’ve made, and will continue to make so many sacrifices to ensure your happiness, be sure to thank them every now and then.

Don’t be so quick to open up. Be hesitant about who you place your trust in. Not everyone deserves that privilege so make sure a person is worth spilling your secrets to before you do.

Remember you are a special girl and you deserve to be treated that way. DO NOT LOWER YOUR STANDARDS! A boy who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve your time. And do not actually believe you can change a guy. You will find a man eventually. You don’t need to be looking for one now. Enjoy and embrace the single life because that’s where the best memories will come from. Don’t bother being tied down because you’re going to miss out on a lot of fun because of it. More importantly though, never put someone’s happiness before your own. Be selfish in that way, but don’t be self-centered. Learn the balance.

Try not to offend people with your honesty and don’t be critical. There is a fine line between brutal honesty and hurting someone’s feelings. Flirt with it, but try not to cross it.

Don’t let people tell you your ideas are stupid. Sometimes they’re just going to be jealous of your dreams and ambitions, but don’t let them discourage you. Never doubt yourself. Only you know your true potential, share that with the world. When people scoff at your dreams, prove them wrong.

You’re never going to please everyone so don’t even try to. Also remember that perfectionism is overrated. As long as you are happy and doing what you love, forget everyone else.

Be proud of where you come from. Brockway may seem like the most boring place to live now, but you’ll miss that little town when you leave. Also be thankful for the lessons you’ve learned there and the people you’ve been raised with. They are truly one of a kind and you won’t find anybody like them outside of that town. They are some of the kindest people you will ever meet. Someday you’ll realize just how fortunate you were to be raised there and you’ll want to raise your family there too.

Take risks or else you won’t have any memories to look back on. Life is short. Don’t be afraid to do crazy things. It’s okay to fail and it’s okay to look foolish every now and then. Be able to laugh at yourself though and try again.

It’s okay to have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life. You probably won’t know for many more years so don’t let that scare you. Try new things and if something interests you become involved.

Always say I love you. Each and every single day tell the people you care that you love them. Never go to bed mad, angry, or upset because you’re not guaranteed the next day. Be quick to forgive. That doesn’t mean you have to trust again, but try not to hold grudges. Never go a day without telling the people you care about that you love them though. They deserve to know.

You’ll figure this all out in due time.  Some things you’ll wish you would’ve known sooner, but if you’ve experienced it, you’ve learned a lesson.

Follow your dreams, believe in yourself, and realize you can do anything you set your mind to. You’ll make it, I promise. Just relax, breathe, and enjoy the ride.

Love,

Your future self