A Decade Dedicated to Me

What so many people seem forget anymore is that we’re young. We have our entire lives ahead of us. Stop planning so far in advance and live in the moment now. That’s what college and your 20s are for – enjoying yourself. Worry about the rest of life later when it needs to be worried about.

            As of today I have 10 years that are solely focused on me.

            I’m not trying to be selfish, but I will admit that I spent the first 19 years of my life, or at least tried to, pleasing others. I went to school where my parents wanted me to go or pursued a career in order to please them. I said yes to people so I wouldn’t let them down. I did things I didn’t want to do in order to make others happy. And all along I put my own life on the backburner.

            I’m not doing that any longer.

            There are so many things I didn’t do growing up these past 19 years because I didn’t want to inconvenience others or seem too self-centered.

            Things are different now.

            Today I turn 20. Hard to believe I’m no longer a teenager. But today marks the end of something more than teenage years; it marks the beginning of a new lifestyle I plan to live. This decade I’m living out for me. There are so many things I want to try, and if it conflicts with what someone thinks I should do or their thoughts on me, so be it.

            There are dreams I want to pursue, places I want to go, and goals I want to accomplish. And dammit, I plan to.

            When I applied to Syracuse University, I did so because I wanted to get into the S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications. “My dream” was to be a sportscaster on ESPN or the NFL Network. I did get in to Newhouse and I spent a semester in the program. I could’ve gone through the motions, graduated with a journalism degree, and been famous.

It took a self-revelation though to figure out that’s not what I wanted. 

I was chasing that dream for other people. My parents, teachers in high school, colleagues, town “fans” who followed my sports journalism career, and everyone else who had these expectations for me. Granted, it would be cool to interview Peyton Manning, LeBron James, Derek Jeter, Nick Saban, or some other famous sports star. But I was blessed with the opportunity last summer to spend some time behind the scenes of the Pittsburgh Steelers training camp. I had lunch with Ike Taylor, my absolute favorite player, and he made me realize something – he’s only human.

            Ike and his teammates are just like the football players I hung out with in high school. They’re boys trying to prove who is manlier, stronger, has a cuter girlfriend, etc. The Steelers are just a bit bigger and faster, and get paid to do it while their every move is watched.

            This was the first incident that steered me away from wanting to get involved in this industry. I no longer worship the ground famous people walk on because when it comes down to it, they’re only human.

           

            My dreams are beginning already. I changed my major to psychology and am going to get a business degree as well. I came to Syracuse for others and whether I remain or not is still in question. After I graduate with my bachelor’s degrees I want to move down south. Eventually I hope to get my master’s and then I’ll probably move back to my hometown.

For most of my life I wanted to break off from my family and the family business and forge my own path by myself. Time at college and away from my family has made me change my mind and has opened my eyes to the wonderful things my dad and uncles have done and the amazing opportunities they have given others. I believe I now want to become a part of the family business and continue the legacy my grandpa started.

Eventually though I want to open a therapeutic horseback riding ranch. At one time it was strictly going to be for veterans with PTSD, but I want it to be for all psychological problems and a place for healing and counseling. 

            This decade is for me to live out though. So here is my bucket list of 20 things I plan to do/go/accomplish in the next 10 years:

20. Travel

I plan to travel just a bit. I have dreams of going to Nashville, New Orleans, California, Alaska, Italy, Greece, Spain, and Australia.  I might not make it to all of these places within the decade, but hopefully I cross a few off my list.

19. Motorcycle License

I’m going to get my motorcycle license, despite the vast majority of people telling me not to because it’s dangerous.

18. Puppy

I want to get a puppy even though my parents will kill me.

17. Tattoo

Also planning on getting a tattoo that has a very significant meaning.

16. Skydive

You only live once right? So that means I have to jump out of a plane and soar through the air at least once.

15. Complete a Tough Mudder and Color Run.

Currently in training for a Tough Mudder and I just want to get tie-dyed while I run!

14. Road trip across the country.

Honestly, what would be amazing and is my dream is to take a photo of the sun rising over the ocean on the east coast, and setting over the ocean on the west coast. It might take me a week to get from coast to coast, but those are two pictures I plan on taking.

13. Drive a racecar.

Not only drive, but hopefully even race. Now I just need to talk my uncle into trusting me with one of his cars…..

12. Jump off a waterfall/cliff.

It’s done in the movies all the time so I want to try it.

11. Complete a challenge featured on Man Vs. Food.

My family says I’m a garbage disposal so I want to see if I can live up to my nickname.

10. Leave my mark

I want to either be able to walk into a place where everyone knows my name or have my picture hanging on the wall for something I accomplished. (Not a Wall of Shame though!)

9. Crash a wedding

Anyone feel like helping me come up with a back-story and finding a wedding to attend?

8. Run a marathon

I guess I’ll start with a half, but I hope to work up to a full eventually!

7. Put a message in a bottle

It was always (and still is) my dream to go to the beach and find a bottle with a note in it. I want to write a letter and my contact information and hopefully receive a reply.

6. Vegas

Everyone always says what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I think it’s one of those places you need to go to at least once in your life to experience.

5. TBD

Five is my favorite number so I figured I’d have to pick something good. This one though is going to be my mystery number on my bucket list. Eventually I’m going to take a leap of faith and do something I never imagined myself doing. So for now I guess it remains a mystery?

4. Go horseback riding on the beach

With my love of horses you think I would have done this already but I honestly never have.

3. Attend a game at every NFL stadium

I’ve been saying this one for years but I want to visit every field and enjoy the atmosphere.

2. Finish one of the books I started writing

There are a few of them now. Some are close to being done, others only have random ideas written across a few pages, and some aren’t written down yet but are finished in my head. I’ll complete one eventually.

1. Make a significant impact on someone’s life

I hope to one day hear that I was a role model or a source of motivation to someone. Maybe I stopped them from making a terrible mistake, or encouraged them to go after their dream. Whatever it is, I want to impact someone’s life in a major way.

At this moment I’m not sure what else I want to pursue? I have ten years though to fill with adventures, fun, memories, and lessons.

(I’ll let you know in 10 years how many I crossed off this list)

What I Learned My Freshman Year of College

            Wow. I’m still in shock that I just completed my first year of college. I’m already ¼ done with some of the greatest years of my life. This past year truly has been one of the best. I’ve laughed more than I ever have before, I’ve shed a few tears too, but I’ve learned, grown as a person, and made memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

            My mom told me over and over again that there are so many things that I’m going to learn in college outside of the classroom and not in books. I’ve only been here a year but looking back I sure did retain a lot and I’d like to share.

So here are my top 30 pieces of advice to incoming freshman:

1. Always check your email before going to class because there is always that off chance that you have an email from God himself (okay your professor) saying class is cancelled.

2. Going to the gym is important, DO IT! The earlier the better because that’s when it’s emptiest and if you actually want to get something done try to stay away from 2-6 PM because that’s when it’s busiest.

3. Be unique, be you. Cowboy boots are practically foreign here in Syracuse, NY. Well, they are also apart of my everyday wardrobe considering I have seven pairs. So I didn’t let that stop me from wearing them with everyday outfits, not just on Halloween when girls were dressing up as “cowgirls” with their plaid shirts from Hollister and high-heeled cowgirl boots.

4. Clubs and organizations are going to lure you in with free pizza, especially the first few weeks of school. GO TO THESE EVENTS. You are in college. If it’s free, especially food, you take advantage even if you aren’t especially interested in the Squirrel Watching Club. If there is free pizza you go.

5. Go to class. It may seem like the cool thing to brag about that you skipped again but it’s worthwhile to go. You’re paying an arm and a leg and maybe another leg too just to sign up for these classes so get something out of them. You never know when something important may be discussed.

6. Naps are God’s gift to college students, but be sure to set an alarm for a nap no longer than 1-½ hours because you will not be able to sleep that night or you will wake up tired rather than refreshed.

7. Bring fun things to do with your friends. The laser tag game I got for Valentine’s Day was a hit! The boys on my floor and I played for hours. But give a bunch of ROTC kids guns and we know how to have fun. Cards Against Humanity was also a fun time too, just know your group well enough that no one will be offended playing.

8. Ordering wings at 2:00 AM every now and then isn’t going to kill you. Just don’t make it a regular thing.

9. When people tell you how many more credits they’re taking/have taken, clubs they’re in, internships they have, and everything else and they’re your age – don’t panic. It’s okay to not be tied down and forced into doing things so quickly.

10. With that being said, take college classes in high school! If I hadn’t come in with 21 credits, changing my major may have caused me to stay longer and that may even still be a possibility unfortunately.

11. “Win or lose we booze” is a real thing. People are always going to find a reason to drink, don’t be surprised by it.

12. Mental breakdowns are common. It’s nothing that a good chat with your best friend over hot chocolate and kahlúa can’t fix.

13. Nobody, I repeat, nobody, cares about your boyfriend or girlfriend from home. We’ll listen every now and then, but honestly we don’t give two shits. Actually, we don’t even give one.

14. Don’t buy the books for class right away. Sometimes you get lucky and the professor says you can find it online or you don’t even need the book so save that money because books will be one of your biggest expenses!

15. Changing your major is completely okay. If you want to, do it. Maybe a couple times. Make sure to question life and why you’re even in college too. If you don’t do that then you’re lying to yourself.

16. You don’t need to be an alcoholic to have fun and you’re not going to be the only one who doesn’t drink. If you don’t want to, don’t feel ashamed for not being interested.

17. You look stupid wearing heels to class. You look even more stupid wearing heels and a barely there skirt and crop top to a party on a Saturday night in February.

18. Do some crazy things and cross shit off your bucket list. Also, never turn down a challenge. I got my cartilage pierced and did the polar plunge. Also climbed a statue of a horse just to say I did it.

19. You will hear it again and again. But get involved. You don’t need to fill every single time slot in your schedule or be a D1 athlete. But give yourself a reason to get your work done or a new way to meet friends. I don’t know what I’d do without the club Western Equestrian team and I’ve made some great memories because of it.

20. Dressing nice during finals week is overrated. As is wearing makeup and anything other than sweatpants to your 8:00 AM.

21. Familiarize yourself with the Greek alphabet because sororities and fraternities are a common topic of discussion and you’re going to want to know what house you’re looking for when it’s negative temperatures and 11:30 PM on a Friday night.

22. Call home, write home, facetime home, visit home every now and then. I guarantee you’ll be homesick at first. You may think you’re homesick, but even more than that, your parents and family miss you. They’ll try to act tough and like you being gone doesn’t bother them but they would do anything to have you living at home again.

23. You’re lying to yourself if you think you’re going to go to bed early. And if you do go to bed before 10:00 PM you probably pulled an all nighter the night before or are extremely sick.

24. You will make the greatest friends at the most unexpected times. Do whatever you need to do for them because they would do the same for you. If they need a gym buddy go with them. If they want someone to eat with, be there even if you ate not to long ago. Help them study, let them vent, do anything for them. Those are the people who will be in your life for the long haul.

25. Romantic relationships are overrated. Live while you’re young and enjoy being able to talk and hang out with whomever you’d like.

26. Never promise yourself that you will study or do a project over breaks such as Thanksgiving and Spring Break because it never in a million years will happen. Instead you will watch Netflix, sleep, and enjoy your mom’s cooking.

27. With that being said, Netflix is the college kid’s best and worst enemy. It will entertain you during all hours of the night or keep you awake during a lecture hall, but it will also distract you from your homework and cause you to lose a significant amount of sleep.

28. College is about learning to do something well and in a short amount of time. Procrastination is common. Master it.

29. Your parents are going to constantly ask you about your grades. If you’re lucky you can be straightforward and honest, for the rest of you, start thinking creatively now.

30. Most importantly though, have fun. Enjoy the time because you don't get much of it. Step out of your comfort zone and make some memories. Take a ton of pictures, try not to stress too much, and live while you're young. 

Kaileen and Scott are two of the greatest friends I could ever ask for, and college would not have been the same if it were not for them. Thank you both of you. I'm going to miss you two so much over summer, but I can't wait for the next three years!

Fearless

Is it strange to say that I’m not afraid of death? I just can’t fully grasp why people say it’s their biggest fear. What is there to be afraid of? It’s something you know is going to happen eventually and there is no way you can stop it. There is no magical cure to prevent it from happening. You may not know when your time is, but you have to accept the fact that one day you will no longer be present on this earth. Nonetheless, it seems to be one of those fears that is always in the back of people’s minds.

Some people never take risks in life because they blame it on the fear of death. I live by the saying, “live your life to the very fullest with absolutely no regrets.” You can’t do that if you’re cautious and refuse to take chances. Injuries will eventually heal and pain will go away. My bucket list includes sky diving, learning to ride a motorcycle, riding a bull, hang-gliding, zip lining, and rafting the Grand Canyon. Some pretty crazy things, but I know they’ll be fun as hell and make for some great memories too. Why not try these things? Life isn’t going to be fun if you don’t make it fun. And if you’re guaranteed to die one day, why don’t you at least die knowing you did something worth living for?

I hope that one day my funeral will be a celebration. I don’t understand why all funerals need to be sad? I want mine to be a party with music, dancing, and happiness. The only things people need to be sad about are that I’m not there dancing around or taking shots with them.

I’m not going to pretend I’m fearless though because that’s the farthest thing from the truth. What I’m afraid of are bigger things – things that affect the outcome of life and how you live it.

I’m afraid of failure. There is nothing worse than knowing you didn’t succeed. That feeling at the end of the day that tells you you’re pathetic and you could’ve done more. You could’ve studied a little harder, ran a bit faster, tried a little more. Sometimes the fear of failure has prevented me from actually trying things. Sometimes I’m so critical of myself that I can’t bring myself to try. Failure is something you can’t escape though and the occasional failure is healthy. You can’t learn a lesson unless you fail every now and then. It keeps you grounded and humble if you admit there is always a chance of failing.

Similar to the fear of failure is that of disappointment.

I’m afraid of disappointment. Not only disappointing others but of being disappointed too. The shame of letting people down is, for lack of better words, embarrassing to me. I have this problem of saying no because I don’t want to let others down. I also hate to get my hopes up for fear that things aren’t going to work out. I’ve actually taught myself to always expect the worst so if the best does happen then I’m happy.

What I’m most afraid of though, is falling in love. I’m afraid of a broken heart and the hollow feeling that takes over your life. I’m afraid of rejection and that empty numbness that sits in when you feel alone in the world.

I acknowledge that I run from love. I’m scared I’m not going to measure up to a guy’s standards and I’m never going to be good enough for him so I don’t give him the chance to love me. I refuse to love too. I’ve built such a shell around my heart and am cautious about who I let in. It takes a lot for me to let a guy get to know me and usually when he tells me he likes me I get scared. Him saying that he likes me could lead to more. I don’t want to give him expectations or lead him on so I just silently slink away. And it’s because I’m afraid.

It’s the scariest feeling to trust someone else with your heart. You have to believe that they’re going to be faithful and love you in return. You’re left completely vulnerable. The heart is so fragile and can shatter as easily as glass.  It just takes getting hurt one too many times. Each time you close down a little more and become a little more guarded. It’s so much easier to simply avoid it by distancing yourself from love.

Maybe one day the right man will come along to make me change my stance on love. But I’m content and happy with who I am to know I don’t need someone. I have my heart guarded and if you can break through that shell you must really mean something to me.

I’m worried that at the end of my life I’m going to look back and wish I had done so much more. I know I won’t regret anything I’ve done though. The places that I’ve been to have opened my eyes to new ways. The people that have walked in and out of my life have done so for a reason. And the things I’ve learned from the most unexpected events and places have taught me some of life’s greatest lessons.

Nonetheless I’m still scared. I worry sometimes that maybe I’m making the wrong decisions now that are going to affect me for the rest of my life.  I try to live every day fearless and like it’s my last. Whatever happens happens, and one day my time too will come. But until then I’ll be conquering my fears and living my dreams.