Fearless

Is it strange to say that I’m not afraid of death? I just can’t fully grasp why people say it’s their biggest fear. What is there to be afraid of? It’s something you know is going to happen eventually and there is no way you can stop it. There is no magical cure to prevent it from happening. You may not know when your time is, but you have to accept the fact that one day you will no longer be present on this earth. Nonetheless, it seems to be one of those fears that is always in the back of people’s minds.

Some people never take risks in life because they blame it on the fear of death. I live by the saying, “live your life to the very fullest with absolutely no regrets.” You can’t do that if you’re cautious and refuse to take chances. Injuries will eventually heal and pain will go away. My bucket list includes sky diving, learning to ride a motorcycle, riding a bull, hang-gliding, zip lining, and rafting the Grand Canyon. Some pretty crazy things, but I know they’ll be fun as hell and make for some great memories too. Why not try these things? Life isn’t going to be fun if you don’t make it fun. And if you’re guaranteed to die one day, why don’t you at least die knowing you did something worth living for?

I hope that one day my funeral will be a celebration. I don’t understand why all funerals need to be sad? I want mine to be a party with music, dancing, and happiness. The only things people need to be sad about are that I’m not there dancing around or taking shots with them.

I’m not going to pretend I’m fearless though because that’s the farthest thing from the truth. What I’m afraid of are bigger things – things that affect the outcome of life and how you live it.

I’m afraid of failure. There is nothing worse than knowing you didn’t succeed. That feeling at the end of the day that tells you you’re pathetic and you could’ve done more. You could’ve studied a little harder, ran a bit faster, tried a little more. Sometimes the fear of failure has prevented me from actually trying things. Sometimes I’m so critical of myself that I can’t bring myself to try. Failure is something you can’t escape though and the occasional failure is healthy. You can’t learn a lesson unless you fail every now and then. It keeps you grounded and humble if you admit there is always a chance of failing.

Similar to the fear of failure is that of disappointment.

I’m afraid of disappointment. Not only disappointing others but of being disappointed too. The shame of letting people down is, for lack of better words, embarrassing to me. I have this problem of saying no because I don’t want to let others down. I also hate to get my hopes up for fear that things aren’t going to work out. I’ve actually taught myself to always expect the worst so if the best does happen then I’m happy.

What I’m most afraid of though, is falling in love. I’m afraid of a broken heart and the hollow feeling that takes over your life. I’m afraid of rejection and that empty numbness that sits in when you feel alone in the world.

I acknowledge that I run from love. I’m scared I’m not going to measure up to a guy’s standards and I’m never going to be good enough for him so I don’t give him the chance to love me. I refuse to love too. I’ve built such a shell around my heart and am cautious about who I let in. It takes a lot for me to let a guy get to know me and usually when he tells me he likes me I get scared. Him saying that he likes me could lead to more. I don’t want to give him expectations or lead him on so I just silently slink away. And it’s because I’m afraid.

It’s the scariest feeling to trust someone else with your heart. You have to believe that they’re going to be faithful and love you in return. You’re left completely vulnerable. The heart is so fragile and can shatter as easily as glass.  It just takes getting hurt one too many times. Each time you close down a little more and become a little more guarded. It’s so much easier to simply avoid it by distancing yourself from love.

Maybe one day the right man will come along to make me change my stance on love. But I’m content and happy with who I am to know I don’t need someone. I have my heart guarded and if you can break through that shell you must really mean something to me.

I’m worried that at the end of my life I’m going to look back and wish I had done so much more. I know I won’t regret anything I’ve done though. The places that I’ve been to have opened my eyes to new ways. The people that have walked in and out of my life have done so for a reason. And the things I’ve learned from the most unexpected events and places have taught me some of life’s greatest lessons.

Nonetheless I’m still scared. I worry sometimes that maybe I’m making the wrong decisions now that are going to affect me for the rest of my life.  I try to live every day fearless and like it’s my last. Whatever happens happens, and one day my time too will come. But until then I’ll be conquering my fears and living my dreams.