A Love Lived and Lost

            I’ve told boys I loved them. Every girl does that when she’s young and she thinks she knows what love is. Looking back though I know I was only saying those words because it seemed like the right thing to say. As a good girlfriend, it’s what was expected of me.

            I know though, I was not in love. I have only ever been in love once. And honestly, to this day, I don’t know if this boy knows exactly how I feel about him. He was never my boyfriend, but sometimes it’s not the person you are dating you fall in love with.

            Love is the feeling you get when you see that person and you get the biggest smile on your face that won’t go away. When you know he is on the other side of the room and you keep looking over out of the corner of your eye. It’s when your heart skips a beat as he leans in for a hug. It’s what happens when you’re texting him and don’t want the conversation to end so you find anything in the world to talk about. It’s when you can act like your complete self and not feel ashamed.

            There is never a dull moment between us. We’re constantly laughing, joking, or smiling, and occasionally we have some deep heart to hearts. He’s seen me at my absolute very best and he’s held me as I sobbed into his chest too. There are too many memories between us to count and I really don’t know what I’d do without him.

            I can talk to him about anything under the sun and I trust him to listen and keep my secrets. He tells me everything too. When he would talk to me about his girlfriend (now ex) I used to listen patiently and try to give the best advice possible. I was happy that I was the person he came to for life and relationship advice. We would do anything for each other, but I don’t think he knows the extent to which I’d go for him.

            Now is the one time I wish I wasn’t such a tomboy and wasn’t his go to friend for girl advice because he will never see me as anything more than that. I’m the one who use to talk to him about football all the time or the person he would watch stupid movies with. That’s all I am to him, just one of the guys.

            So many times when we’re together we’ve heard the phrases, “you two are so cute together” or “why don’t you just date already?”. And every time my inner being is screaming out in agreement but all I can do is laugh and say we’re too good of friends for that.

            I overthink everything when it comes to him. And everything just seems to be this big giant “what if?” What if I took the chance and told him? What if he felt the same way? What if we did date? What if we did have a serious relationship? What if there actually is a future together for us?

I keep trying to date other guys but the problem is I look for him in every single guy I talk to. And unfortunately I can’t find anyone who comes close to the man he is. No one has all the qualities he does and when I come to terms with this I move on.

            I doubt he’s reading this because it’s not like him to, but if he is and knows it’s him I hope he now realizes just how much he means to me. I don’t have the guts to outright say it to his face (but I can write it on social media…).

It’s a lot easier in the movies whenever the girl admits to her best friend she loves him. If it’s a chick flick it’s going to have a happily ever after. Life doesn’t go that way though and I’m afraid to take that risk right now. Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell him. But until then I’ll continue to admire from afar and dream of something that may one day happen.