I’m an
advocate of the philosophy that every person comes into your life for a reason
and those who have walked out of your life have also done so for a reason. Many
of those reasons are lessons, whether big or small, that have taught you
something and shaped you into who you are.
The crazy
thing about exes is that your mind automatically thinks about a boyfriend or
girlfriend. It could be a best friend though. I know what it’s like to have ex-best
friends and that hurts just as much as a relationship breakup. An ex is a
person you use to confide in and be able to share anything with. There were
memories and special moments you shared together. Sometimes it hurts and there
is still a tug on your heart when an ex is brought up. But you never realize until
later on in life just how much exes have changed you and shaped you into who
you are. Despite wanting things to work out, some things just aren’t meant to
be. Some of those things may be the bad. It may take you a long time to learn
to trust someone new because you’ve been lied to so many times before. Maybe
you are weary of putting your heart on the line because it’s been broken too
many times before. You may have walked away feeling stronger though because you
know you are a better person than what that relationship made you out to be.
Failed relationships don’t always
have to be looked at in a negative light, in my opinion, most times it’s for
the best. There is a reason a person is your ex or someone you don’t talk to
anymore. There was a flaw in communication or a mistake made and you have to
reevaluate what that mistake was so you don’t continue to make it or are no
longer attracted to it.
Immediately upon breaking up with
someone you’re not thinking, “yes! I learned so much and am walking away from
this relationship with more knowledge.” Let’s be realistic. Guys are acting
tough while drowning their sorrows in beer and girls are eating ice cream and
watching romantic chick flicks.
After the sadness is gone though
and when the realism sits in that you no longer have that certain person to
talk to all the time, you look to fill that void, and along the way you figure
out why you’re actually better off.
I use to lay awake at night
wondering what I had done wrong or why I couldn’t find that guy who was going
to treat me right. I came to realize that a breakup doesn’t mean that something
is wrong with you. It’s just that you realized something you didn’t want or
wasn’t successful and you need to move on. I don’t have that problem anymore. I
may only be 20, but I’ve experienced my fair share of failed relationships and
heartbreak. I’ve learned enough to probably write a book, but I’ll condense it
into a blog instead. But the following are some of the most important lessons
I’ve come away with and what have led me to where I am today.
(I’m sorry I say him throughout the duration of this post,
but I feel like it’s girls more than boys who need the confidence boost. This
advice goes for anyone and everyone though!)
Communication is key.
No one on this planet is a mind reader. If you’re upset,
explain why you’re upset rather than acting mad and keeping your partner
guessing. It isn’t fair to either of you to assume that the other one always
knows what’s going on in your life or how you feel about things. Fill them in
so they’re not in the dark.
I’m so guilty of this, and I fully admit it. When I’m in a
bad mood or mad about something, instead of being blunt and saying what’s
bothering me, I leave people guessing, as if to teach them a lesson. That just makes
it more miserable for everyone.
Trust your gut, but
also listen to those who love you.
If your best friends and family are leery of the person
you’re dating, they see something you are blinded to and refuse to see. Trust
them. They love you so much and are only looking out for what’s best for you.
I dated a guy once my parents didn’t approve of and my
friends didn’t like. I didn’t care though because I thought I saw this great
person they couldn’t see. It turns out I couldn’t see what a jackass this kid
was and what everyone had been telling me all along. If I would’ve listened to
the people who love me continually tell me that I was going to get hurt because
he wasn’t a good guy, well then I wouldn’t have gotten hurt and lost every
ounce of self-confidence I had. Even though that was years ago, I still have
issues from that relationship that resurface because he made me that insecure
about myself.
Disagreements are
healthy.
Now I’m not saying go fight about the slightest thing, but
you don’t have to have the same opinion on everything. You have to accept and
respect the other’s opinion though.
Don’t change for
anyone.
Keep your own morals and values and don’t change just for
him. Stay true to yourself; don’t allow him to feel superior for any reason. A
little difference in a relationship is healthy.
I love my two horses as much as I love my family, they are
family to me (yeah, I’m that crazy horse girl). My mare has some health
problems though, but nonetheless she was my first horse and I will never sell
her. I had a boy hell-bent once that he wanted to shoot her because "she
was a lost cause and a waste of time and money". He said it would be better for
everyone since I wouldn’t have to go to the barn to see her anymore since she
was worthless. Sorry sweetheart, that is a major reason you’re an ex.
Happiness starts with
you.
Another person isn’t the only one who can make you happy.
You are the ultimate reason for your own happiness. If you constantly rely on
someone else to make you happy, take a step back and reevaluate. Do things for
you that make you happy, not because you know it will make others happy. It’s
your decisions that affect your life.
You don’t deserve
negativity.
If he puts you down or you’re the butt of his jokes, get out
immediately. You don’t need that sort of negativity in your life and you don’t
deserve it because he’s insecure and needs to make himself look good. Respect
and appreciation are the pillars of a healthy relationship. Being told you’re
not pretty enough or he could “get any other girl but he’s dating you” isn’t a
compliment. It’s robbing you of true joy and making you feel insecure. Don’t
feel privileged to be dating him. Let him know instead it an honor to be dating
you and then dump his ass.
A relationship isn’t
based on “getting even.”
You shouldn’t feel like you have to do something just to
make things even in a relationship. A healthy relationship is based on equality.
It’s your life.
At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live with
the decisions you make. You get to choose whether or not you want to be in that
relationship, and if you don’t want to be, then you don’t have to be. No one is
forcing you to, and if they are, that is that much more of a reason to walk
away.
As strange as it may sound, I’m
thankful for my exes. If it weren’t for failed relationships and learning what
I wanted in a guy and how I wanted to be treated, I never would’ve ended up
with such a great guy.
Colt makes me happy day in and day
out. Sometimes it’s the little things like showing up with a movie and frozen
hot chocolate to make my bad day better. And sometimes it’s the big things like
letting me borrow his truck whenever I need it or dropping what he’s doing to
help me out. If a person truly loves you, they will do things that they might
not like just to spend time with you and make you happy. A person who loves you
wants to keep you as happy as possible. He once spent his Friday night cleaning
the silver on my saddles for hours. He could’ve been doing a million other
things, but he did that for me. I spent my final days of winter break
completely cleaning his apartment so his new roommate could move in. Both jobs
sucked immensely, but we always want to help each other out and make life a
little more bearable for one another.
I realized that he is the reason things never worked out with other guys, and it’s because they weren’t him. No
one has ever treated me so kindly and looked out for me as much as he does.
When I told him I was writing this,
he said to make him sound good. We may drive each other crazy every now and
then, but he’s the perfect boyfriend and I could never
ask for a better man in my life. He treats me like a princess (because I like
to think I am), respects my opinions and the decisions I make in life, and
always encourages me to be myself and not change because he loves who I am
already. I treat him the same way in return because that’s what a real
relationship is all about.
The best thing about the past is that it shows you what not to bring into your future. A breakup is an opportunity, not a
tragedy. Take what you learned and use it to meet someone new. Cry your tears,
drink your beers, and eat lots of ice cream. But once the time of loathing in
self-pity has passed, get back out there and continue to enjoy life. You don’t
need someone else to make your feel complete, but life is just a little sweeter
when you have a person who loves you by your side.
